“The other night he was half-a-breast deep, when he puked all over himself, then went right back to drinking more. An hour later he pissed himself. Frankly, we are embarrassed for him.”
This is great news to coffee drinkers who experienced a scare last week from a study concluding that drinking coffee increases your risk of developing cancer.
“Everyone keeps coming up to me and asking me if “I’m okay” after watching a 70-year-old man overdose on bacon. I’m fine, stop asking.”
“You hear about Daniel Day-Lewis staying in character for his roles and I wanted to be just as dedicated,” the project manager explained from his hospital bed. “I didn’t just become Maurice, I was Maurice. My-no, his first thought was ‘this fool left a whole extra kidney here. What a schmuck,’ ” at which point ‘Maurice’ went on Craigslist to find a buyer for the kidney.
“Not wanting to make their roommate feel foolish for her annual grand gesture, the couple was left with no choice but to transform their humble abode into deranged filth prison.”
“I knew we were in for it,” stated Mark, Dillardson’s son. “We should have warned her that theoretical discussions regarding the safety of the general public would lead to an evening of turmoil and cold pot pies,” he said.
In an incredible win for gender equality, six of the 12 babies born last night at Advocate […]