SCRANTON, Pa. — Lynn Caulfield, local mother of two, sent shock waves through the neighborhood this week when she released a controversial study confirming that her ex-husband, Rick Caulfield, is an asshole.
“Wow, I mean we were really floored,” remarked Jim Davis, next-door neighbor and long-time family friend of the Caulfields’. “Rick seemed like such a nice, normal guy. He was always inviting us over for dinner … he made the best chicken primavera. I mean, he even power-washed our deck for us once. But Lynn collected a lot of thorough data to prove that he is just a real dick bag,” he said.
Chelsea Blume, a cashier at the local Walgreens, also commented on the study. “Lynn had a pie chart in there titled ‘Reasons Rick Gave for Missing our Daughter’s Soccer Games.’ Rick missed three of Christina’s games, and two of them, or 66.6 percent, were listed under ‘Worked Late,’ but one of the games was listed under ‘Miscellaneous’, which I find to be pretty fucking fishy. I wonder who ‘Miscellaneous’ is,” she said, “I swear, Rick is a real fuck boy.”
Even Caulfield’s daughter’s 10th-grade AP statistics teacher, Clive Peterson, had perused the study. “The teachers try to stay out of spats between the divorced parents of our students, but it’s really not often that a resident of Scranton has a scientific study published in a peer-reviewed journal,” Peterson noted.
“Although her surveyed sample size of N=1 is neither diverse, random or unbiased, she did have about 36 months of data collected from an observational study which strongly suggests that Rick is a complete festering dog turd,” Peterson said
When we asked Caulfield directly about her 95.5 percent confidence interval of disproving the null hypothesis of “My ex-husband Rick is not an asshole,” she candidly answered, “I have full confidence that any woman willing to replicate the study will conclude similar findings.”
Editor’s note: We usually don’t publish disparaging stories like these, but being that I am currently going through a divorce myself, I felt that it was my obligation to let the world know what a shitty idiot Rick Caulfield is.