Man Feeling ‘Triggered’ by Gun Control Conversation Loses Appetite

SKOKIE, Il.  —  Ronald Dillardson, 52, was about to enjoy a chicken pot pie dinner with his family last Thursday night when he heard his daughter’s friend, Rachel Matthews, state that “stricter gun laws would reduce mass shooting incidents.”

Dillardson’s wife, Martha, described the look on Ronald’s face as “a combination of equal parts indignation and severe hunger.”

“I knew we were in for it,” stated Mark, Dillardson’s son. “We should have warned her that theoretical discussions regarding the safety of the general public would lead to an evening of turmoil and cold pot pies,” he said.

“I didn’t think it would be like this,” remarks Rachel Matthews. “I just assumed that ‘common sense’ gun laws were just that – common sense. I didn’t realize that statement would ruin dinner.”

But ruin dinner it did.

What Matthews did not anticipate, was Dillardson’s imminent panic attack and desertion of his favorite weekly meal. His low blood sugar led him to incoherently stumble through several Fox News quotes, sputtering that “guns don’t kill people, people kill pies.”

Pies cooled as tempers rose. Dillardson’s rumbling stomach procluded the electrician from stringing together coherent sentences. Dillardson allegedly claimed that “the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a pie” and that “we may as well ban cars with no space for pies, pie knives and babies with pies.”

“It was hard to tell, in his half-starved stupor, but I think I really started getting through to him on this very important issue, or he was in the early stages of a diabetic coma,” remarked Matthews. “Sorry, I am just glancing down at your notes here, did you write down all those shooting statistics I said? Looks like you wrote ‘pot pie’ down like 30 times.”

“I just wanted everyone to sit down together and enjoy my famous chicken pot pie. Sure it would be nice to be able to go to concerts, movies, parks, schools, and churches without living in fear…But mostly, I want everyone to enjoy my pot pies, that I worked really hard on. See, the secret is to slowly cut the butter into the flour when you’re mixing up the crust. That’s how I get it so flaky,” said Martha Dillardson.

Thanks to Jenna’s friend, however, no one would be enjoying chicken pot pie in the Dillardson household that Thursday night.