Written by Belmont Middle School 8th Grader Edmund Borg (03/9/2018)
Last weekend, an informal study by me and my mom’s boyfriend Seth, found that deep fried bacon might kill people.
Ok, Participants: Seth, Seth’s 70-year-old dad named Mike, and his sister Trish. We all went to the Indiana State Fair to determine which among the three of them could ingest the most deep fried bacon. My mom really wanted me to stay home and finish my geometry homework, but I was all like, “Mom, this will be a really good chance for me to bond with Seth,” and she was like, “You dont give a shit about bonding with Seth, you just want to gorge yourself on cotton candy and funnel cakes,” and then I was all like, “Carol, that fucking hurts me that you would say that.” Whatever, I digress.
As shown in Figure A, Seth was able to ingest 10 greasy lard strips, Trish gobbled down 14 pieces of savory swine candy, and Seth’s dad put away maybe 40 marbled fat sticks (Seth counted 32, and Trish counted 41). I was too far away to see clearly, and he was downing them by the fistful, so it was hard to tell. Mike was unable to recount the number of pieces he ingested due to dying shortly after eating them. That’s where my project gets real interesting.
Here’s a graph I made in Microsoft Excel. I feel like it’s pretty self explanatory.
Since the controlled variables of this experiment did not include age, general health, or the size of each bacon strip, we cannot confirm the exact significance of what appears to be an exponential relationship between pieces of bacon eaten and mortality. If we had, we might be able to say that for every slice of deep fried bacon eaten, chances of death increase by a factor of 3. I would present a better number, but since our dependent variable represents itself in a binary fashion, it doesn’t neatly fit on a linear scale, OK? Like please just hop off my dick about this, Ms. Davidson!
I also forgot how to calculated the r2, but I’ll do that next time, I promise. Anyway, the results of this experiment do not show any direct correlation between eating any amount of deep fried bacon and death, but if the results had been significant, it could be concluded that eating more tasty-ass bacon would make you more likely to die.
In conclusion: after eating a large amount of deep fried bacon, Seth’s dad died, but we cannot conclude exactly what amount killed him, the ratio with which it may affect others, or if eating the bacon is what caused his death. We noticed that after eating 14 pieces, Trish began to feel ill, so we could maybe examine this phenomena in future experiments to see if it can lead to any correlation between bacon strips eaten and death.
Everyone keeps coming up to me and asking me if “I’m okay” after watching a 70-year-old man overdose on bacon. I’m fine, stop asking. Also, Seth is not my real dad, ipso facto Mike isn’t my grand-dad, or wasn’t, ’cause he’s dead now. Whatever. I’m fine. If you send me to the school guidance counselor, I’m gonna be really pissed at you, Ms. Davidson.