New Study Reveals that Coffee Prevents Cancer [or Not]

A recent study conducted by the American Institute of Health and Wellness concluded that people who drink coffee have a reduced likelihood of developing cancer. This is great news to coffee drinkers who experienced a scare last week from a study concluding that drinking coffee increases your risk of developing cancer. And let’s not forget about the study published last month which said that more coffee can help prevent coffee from giving you cancer.

“Our results might be conclusive,” announced lead researcher, David Walsh, during a press conference Wednesday. “Are we real, or is the world all just simulation? Maybe I’m real, but none of you are, yeah, get the hell away from me you stimulant scum!” Walsh continued, at which point the Harvard-educated researcher brandished a butter knife at several correspondents.

One thing is clear—coffee is coffee and cancer is cancer. When coffee causes cancer it is bad and when coffee prevents cancer it is good. Unless the person getting the cancer is also a serial murderer? Then maybe it’s good?