Out-of-Control Baby Can’t Go Two Hours Without Drinking

MILFORD, Ct.

The desperate mother and father of a 5-month-old baby boy are at their wit’s end.

The baby’s father, David Thomas, reported that every night he and his wife are forced to wake up every two hours in order to satisfy their son’s selfish addiction to breast milk and or Nestlé Good Start baby formula.

“It doesn’t matter where we are, he always has to drink– whether it’s at church, a restaurant, my friend’s house, a crowded bar at 1:30 am. It’s like his body is physically dependent on it,” recounted the 32-year-old mother, Maria Thomas, regarding her hopelessly addicted son.

“Clearly he is only thinking about himself here. He has absolutely no regard for how his behavior is affecting us. What about our lives? Enabling his milk addiction is a full time job. I still haven’t been able to see the Avenger’s movie,” added David Thomas.

“The other night he was half-a-breast deep, when he puked all over himself, then went right back to drinking more. An hour later he pissed himself. Frankly, we are embarrassed for him. We just don’t know what to do anymore,” stated David.

Maria tells us that she has confronted her  son directly about his problem. She even reminded him that formula is expensive and that the family would save so much money if he gave it up. The baby’s reply: an incoherent, slurred “ba dah ha dah bub brrbrbbrbrrb buh.”

The Thomases announced that they have an intervention planned for next Tuesday night. They will be serving cheerios and pureed fruit. It is BYOB.