Family Too Ashamed of America this Year to Justify Spending $800 on Illegal Fireworks

The Fourth of July, a holiday to get together with family, grill burgers and hotdogs, celebrate independence, and shoot beautiful, illegal, awe-inspiring explosives into the sky.

But this year is different.

The Watersson family tells us that they will not be purchasing any fireworks of any kind this year. Not even sparklers.

“We love the Fourth of July, and we love fireworks, but Kathy and I agreed that our hearts just weren’t in it this year,” revealed Tim Watersson.

Tim cites the “utter mockery of democracy happening in Washington” and the still unresolved border crisis as main reasons for losing his ‘America Mojo’ this year. “I mean Donald Trump is still our President, how insane is that?!” Tim added.

This years’ lack of American pride is getting mixed reviews. We talked to groups who were most affected by America’s general apathy regarding this year’s July 4th.

Local fire departments and dog owners everywhere appear to be relieved that downtrodden Americans will be refraining from shooting loud and combustible objects into the sky this year. “We are expecting to have a quiet night here at the station,” reports fire Chief Daniel Hayes. “Usually we get 2-3 calls every year from homeowners whose roofs are smoldering or have caught fire. The EMT’s are thrilled that they won’t have to attend to nearly as many burned or mangled hands this year.

However, Debra Walsh, Marketing Manager at Old Navy corperate has been having a troubling couple of weeks. “Low patriotic morale has plummeted sales of our classic American Flag Old Navy shirts lower than ever. This is really going to hurt us. We have got to change our broken political system if we want companies like Old Navy to survive.”

It doesn’t stop at American flag t-shirts, either.

Discount mattress warehouses and car dealerships have been noticing a slump in sales too, despite doorbuster deals and 4th of July promotions.

“I want so badly to be a proud American. It’s just that instead of buying a new car I don’t need or spending $800 on M-80’s, I’m wondering if I should be using that money to help unite an immigrant mother and son that have been torn apart at the hands of our very own government,” states Kathy Watersson.

Tim Watersson left us with this final metaphor.

“America is like my daughter okay? I am always going to love her, no matter what, but I really wish she wasn’t with that guy that 22 different women have personally accused of rape or other sexual misconduct, you know?”

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