Let’s be real. You don’t give a fuck about Valentine’s day. A commercial Hallmark holiday created to force people to overpay for fancy chocolates and genetically modified roses, that don’t even smell like roses anymore? Uhm, No-fucking-thank you. Not today, Satan!
I’ll bet you like two things: bargain shopping and candy, and those free t-shirts that drop from the ceiling in cute little parachutes at ice hockey games. OK, you like three things.
Valentine’s day may be an expensive, unnecessary, single-person-shaming, gag worthy, social media PDA free-for-all. But for many Americans, it is simply the day before their favorite unofficial holiday of the year.
50 percent off Walgreen’s candy day.
That’s right, the holiday of bargain hunting, pessimistic, Valentine’s-day-hating champions everywhere.
Note: you do not have to hate Valentine’s day to participate in this glorious holiday. But it does help.
It’s February 15th. Walk with purpose to the seasonal section in the middle of the store. The trick is to get there early, but not so early that employees haven’t begun marking down the cupid-clad goods. This is the time when you are going to get the best selection. Kit-Kats, Reese’s, Hershey’s Dark Chocolate with Almonds, a heart shape box of Ghirardelli.
Don’t let the heart covered packaging make you stop to question the meaninglessness of your life. Susan over there has come to terms with this years ago, and she is quickly filling up her basket with minature Reese’s cups. Susan’s not a sucker. Just keep going, and remember, most candy looks normal once you trash the nightmarish, heart-covered outer packaging.
Now some of you might be thrill seeking risk takers. Preferring to wait as long as possible to purchase your discounted Valentine’s day treasures. You seek that ever ellusive 75% off. Your pursuit is noble, but wait too long and be left with empty shelves and only the Candy Corn of Valentine’s day: Conversation Hearts.
Godspeed. You lonely, frugual, beautiful person, you.