We get it, you’re “sophisticated.” You frequent four-dollar-sign yelp restaurants. You spent the equivalent of a mortgage payment at Alinea and you added on the wine pairing (slow down, Gatsby!). You use descriptive words like oakey, buttery, floral, smokey and rich to describe your food. You know that the best Pinots come from the Russian River Valley. You’re a self-proclaimed foodie. We get it, okay?
And of course, you go to Applebee’s with your friends, but make sure to announce to everyone that you are only there ironically. Applebee’s is a sad, sad establishment where culture-deficient local urchins visit to experience “fine dining.” And you are so above that—except to be there ironically of course!
Except I am cooler than you. Because I un-ironically love Applebee’s.
That’s right, I said it. I un-ironically love Applebee’s.
In the era of farm to table, organic, local and artisanal dishes, sometimes you just want to eat some endless buffalo chicken wings and enjoy three to eight sugary, watered-down dollar Hurricanes. That’s right, dollar hurricanes. What’s that, you just paid $32 for a glass of Scotch? And then you tipped the server AT LEAST $6.40 on that Scotch? You’re a sucker. But you better have tipped your server 20% on that Scotch (I’m an un-ironic Applebee’s lover, not a monster). Should have bought a whole bottle of that Laphroaig Islay Single Malt at the liquor store for $64.99. Suckkerrrr.
I don’t know about you, but my ever-so-gradually-deflating student loan debt is loving the Tier 2 and Tier 3 three course meals offered by Applebee’s, at $11.99 and $13.99, in the most genuine an completely unapologetic way.
Give in to it, and let your Applebee’s-loving, 2 for $20, freak flag fly.
I wish I could tell you that Applebee’s paid me to write this.
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