Eco-Conscious Bride Only Wants Paper Dick-Shaped Straws at Bachelorette Party

Key West, Florida

As the bride-to-be, Jenna Warren, and her gang of six besties prepare to descend upon Key West this upcoming weekend for a bit of debauchery and moderate alcoholism, Jenna wants to make one thing clear.

“Ladies, as you know I am always down to have a crazy good time and go with the flow—and I know Bachelorette parties usually involve some wild novelty gifts,  but I just want to make sure we are practicing sustainability while getting totally shit-house wasted this weekend,” Jenna offered.

Jenna elaborated over group text.

“Hell yeah I’m going to have a great time this weekend and do some dumb shit that I regret. However, the dumb shit that I will regret should only involve 30-year-old bartenders, mild nudity, and an excess of Patron shots, not the act of continuing to pollute our dying planet with frivolous, single-use, plasticized poison.”

“Did you know they’ve found plastic in the ocean’s Mariana Trench? That’s the deepest trench in the ocean. And plastic doesn’t just go away, its ingested by fish, birds, and other wildlife. There are hundreds of thousands of metric tons of plastic in the ocean right now. And have you seen how difficult it is to remove a plastic straw from a sea turtles’ snout?” Jenna added.

“Look, Ladies, I found these very cute, very anatomically correct, sustainable, paper dick straws on Etsy that I thought we could use in our drinks this weekend. Or we could all just slurp tequila directly out of strangers’ belly buttons, that works too!” exclaimed Jenna.




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