Author: theblendweekly

Chicago satirical news source publishing new content weekly.

Alabama Women Rejoice Gaining HOV Lane Rights with Six-Week Zygotes

Alabama

Women won big yesterday in Alabama. After hundreds of years of oppression, sexism and lack of autonomy, things are finally turning around for uterus owners. Why? Because Alabama just ruled that a six-week old zygote is a person with rights. This means one big benefit for zygote moms.

The carpool lane, the High Occupancy Vehicle lane, the fast track to anywhere you could want to go by car, is now open season for any woman with a uterus and a zygote to go with it.

Women can rest assured that whether they are driving into work early to put in those extra hours for a promotion that will just be given to Dave anyway because he seems more “serious” and won’t need to take maternity leave, that they can get there quickly without sitting in traffic!

Or when Tina needs to drive to Costco to buy concealer and six family-sized packs of thin sliced honey glazed turkey to pack school lunches for her six children while her physically and verbally abusive husband nurses yet another hangover he’s having from a Wednesday night drinking bender. She can breathe easy knowing she’s not violating any traffic laws taking that HOV lane!

Or even when Angela is driving to her 4 am shift at Taco Bell where she makes $7.25 an hour because she was drugged and raped at a party when she was 15 and had to drop out of high school to raise her baby, she won’t have to worry about traffic either!

Wow, what a great time it is to be a woman in Alabama!

 

 

 

Fuck! The State of Georgia Just Passed a Law Prohibiting Georgia Residents from Moving out of This Dumpster Fire of a State!

Holy shit. If you thought things in Georgia couldn’t possibly get any worse. You were being a real naive bitch!

Earlier today, Georgia governor Brian Kemp signed the “Heartbeat Bill,” making it illegal for women to seek abortions as early as six weeks after conception.

Additionally, women who do receive an abortion in the state of Georgia can be tried for first degree murder. Traveling outside of the state for an abortion, or helping a woman travel outside of the state for an abortion would also be punishable by law.

Welcome to Gilead ladies!

But what about women (and men) who think this shit is absolutely terrifying and that it’s time to get the fuck out of Georgia?

Governor Brian Kemp has just signed a new bill into law to solve that problem too!

HB 666, dubbed the “The Sinking Ship Bill,” will make it unlawful for any current Georgia resident to move outside of this shitty terrible fuckhole of a state starting on July 1, 2020. Leaving the state will be punishable by a minimum sentence of 5 years imprisonment—in Georgia—seriously, you can’t leave!

Governor Kemp explained “We realized that it was much easier to pass legislation which would punish citizens for leaving the state than it would be to fund programs to keep them happy or to allow women to have autonomy over their own bodies—blehh.”

He added that constitutionally, he saw no problems with legally prohibiting residents from leaving the backwards, festering dog turd of a state.

 

 

 

 

Masochistic Little Cardboard Box Wants to Be Reduced, Reused, Recycled

Portland, OR

Ding dong. Local man Gary Stewart got a little surprise at his front door today: A sexy little cardboard box.

It’s never been a secret that Gary’s always had a thing for cardboard boxes of all shapes and sizes, but this one was different.

This cardboard box has a special kink.

At first Gary was taken aback to learn that printed on the top of this box was the demand for it to be reduced, reused, and recycled. Gary had never even considered doing those things with a cardboard box before, no box had ever asked. It felt…dirty.

Not wanting the box to think he was inexperienced, Gary’s mind started racing. How would he reuse this naughty little box? Would he fill if full of gently used sports equipment and keep it in the basement for days at a time? Or would he cram it full of packing peanuts and the Kitchenaid mixer he bought for William and Jan’s wedding shower? Gary did recall that they mentioned they were looking for a third.

Or would he separate the box’s flaps, cover it in Saran wrap and duct tape it into his busted car window?

Or, would Gary do all three? Oh, fuck yeah.

Woman’s Amazon Purchase of 6 – 10 ml Essential Oil and Diffuser Set Finally Going to Turn Life Around

Snohomish — Washington

Local woman, Amy Greenwald, decided to take control of her life this past week with an Amazon one-click order of 6 – 10 ml Essential Blended Oil and Diffuser Set.

A few days ago, Amy reported via FaceTime to her best friend that she was feeling lonely, depressed, and lacking both self worth and sense of purpose in her life.

Woah, watch out Amy’s sense of self actualization! Because she just ordered a set of 6 blended essential oils. With names like calm, sleep, thrive, energize, heal, and inspire, these essential oils are about to give Amy’s existential dread the forceful kick in the balls it deserves.

Amy’s lack of satisfaction at work is no match for that lemon verbena scented “energize oil” diffusing through her grungy unwashed dish laden kitchen. Depression sure is a bitch, but Amy is heavily optimistic that the right combination of thrive, energize, and heal is gonna nip that pesky, ever-looming depression right in the bud.

As for the inspire blend? Amy has a sneaking suspicion it’s going to help in addressing some of those severe communication issues she and Mark have been having.

Shop on, Amy, shop on.

 

 

 

Report: Un-Ironically Loving Applebee’s is the New Ironically Loving Applebee’s

We get it, you’re “sophisticated.” You frequent four-dollar-sign yelp restaurants. You spent the equivalent of a mortgage payment at Alinea and you added on the wine pairing (slow down, Gatsby!). You use descriptive words like oakey, buttery, floral, smokey and rich to describe your food. You know that the best Pinots come from the Russian River Valley.  You’re a self-proclaimed foodie. We get it, okay?

And of course, you go to Applebee’s with your friends, but make sure to announce to everyone that you are only there ironically. Applebee’s is a sad, sad establishment where culture-deficient local urchins visit to experience “fine dining.” And you are so above that—except to be there ironically of course!

Except I am cooler than you. Because I un-ironically love Applebee’s.

That’s right, I said it. I un-ironically love Applebee’s.

In the era of farm to table, organic, local and artisanal dishes, sometimes you just want to eat some endless buffalo chicken wings and enjoy three to eight sugary, watered-down dollar Hurricanes. That’s right, dollar hurricanes. What’s that, you just paid $32 for a glass of Scotch? And then you tipped the server AT LEAST $6.40 on that Scotch? You’re a sucker. But you better have tipped your server 20% on that Scotch (I’m an un-ironic Applebee’s lover, not a monster). Should have bought a whole bottle of that Laphroaig Islay Single Malt at the liquor store for $64.99. Suckkerrrr.

I don’t know about you, but my ever-so-gradually-deflating student loan debt is loving the Tier 2 and Tier 3 three course meals offered by Applebee’s, at $11.99 and $13.99, in the most genuine an completely unapologetic way.

Give in to it, and let your Applebee’s-loving, 2 for $20, freak flag fly.

I wish I could tell you that Applebee’s paid me to write this.

Nation Gears up for the Real Holiday: 50% off Candy at Walgreens

Let’s be real. You don’t give a fuck about Valentine’s day. A commercial Hallmark holiday created to force people to overpay for fancy chocolates and genetically modified roses, that don’t even smell like roses anymore? Uhm, No-fucking-thank you. Not today, Satan!

I’ll bet you like two things: bargain shopping and candy, and those free t-shirts that drop from the ceiling in cute little parachutes at ice hockey games. OK, you like three things.

Valentine’s day may be an expensive, unnecessary, single-person-shaming, gag worthy, social media PDA free-for-all. But for many Americans, it is simply the day before their favorite unofficial holiday of the year.

50 percent off Walgreen’s candy day.

That’s right, the holiday of bargain hunting, pessimistic, Valentine’s-day-hating champions everywhere.

Note: you do not have to hate Valentine’s day to participate in this glorious holiday. But it does help.

It’s February 15th. Walk with purpose to the seasonal section in the middle of the store. The trick is to get there early, but not so early that employees haven’t begun marking down the cupid-clad goods. This is the time when you are going to get the best selection. Kit-Kats, Reese’s, Hershey’s Dark Chocolate with Almonds, a heart shape box of Ghirardelli.

Don’t let the heart covered packaging make you stop to question the meaninglessness of your life. Susan over there has come to terms with this years ago, and she is quickly filling up her basket with minature Reese’s cups. Susan’s not a sucker. Just keep going, and remember, most candy looks normal once you trash the nightmarish, heart-covered outer packaging.

Now some of you might be thrill seeking risk takers. Preferring to wait as long as possible to purchase your discounted Valentine’s day treasures. You seek that ever ellusive 75% off. Your pursuit is noble, but wait too long and be left with empty shelves and only the Candy Corn of Valentine’s day: Conversation Hearts.

Godspeed. You lonely, frugual, beautiful person, you.

Until Easter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Selfless, Heroic Americans Donate to Border Wall GoFundMe to Protect Immigrants from U.S. Mass Shootings

Miramar, FL

December 15th. A selfless, generous, goddess of a man, Brian Kolfage becomes the hero that would-be immigrants everywhere, never knew they needed.

When Brian learned that his, and many other American’s dream of erecting a two-thousand mile wall along the country’s southern border was in danger, he lept to action, in the form of creating a border wall GoFundme.

Building a borderwall is an emergency if there has ever been one. Why? Currently, people who do live in the United States live in contstant fear of becoming victims of the next firearm-related killing spree. Perpetually agonizing over the moment when the next disgruntled white male will, on a whim, purchase a semi-automatic weapon at his neighborhood Walmart.

And what have we done about this problem? Nothing!

Sure, American citizens, distraught parents, college students, even highschool students have been protesting, letterwriting, voting for gun reform, pleading with their local representatives to create change. But it seems that very little has changed.

Brian Kolfage is actually doing something about it. By starting a GoFundMe to build a boarder wall, Brian is showing the world that he is committed to the safety of millions of Central and South American people. People, who otherwise, would be crossing the border into an NRA-sponsored warzone.

Brian wants to protect immigrants from tragedies like The Las Vegas shooting, the Orlando Nightclub shooting, the Virginia Tech shooting, the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting, the Sutherland Springs Church shooting, the Stoneman Douglas High school shooting, the Aurora Shooting the, Thousand Oaks shooting, the Pittsburgh Synangogue shooting, the Washington Navy Yard shooting, the Santa Fe High School shooting, just to name a few.

Brian Kolfage is such a hero, that he wants to put the safety of immigrant men, women, and children over the safety of his own family, friends and neighbors. Wow. Even more inspiring is the thousands of American’s who feel the same way and have donated to his cause of protecting immigrants from U.S. based gun violence.

Brian is not going to stand idly by, while innocent men, women and children enter a country with the highest rate of mass shootings in the world. And neither should you. Donate today.

 

Fuck! 15-year-old Cousin at Christmas Affording Better Makeup than You

South Bend—IN

Family, Eggnog, those delicious peanut butter chocolate kiss cookies that look like nips. Aunt Laura on a tirade about banned Christmas songs. Just another standard Hoffman family Christmas? No, bitch. This year is going to be different.

Your 15-year-old cousin, Holly, walks in. You turn to look at her. You immediately realize that she is a glorious, beautiful, instagram princess. What. The. Fuck. Last year Holly was wholly unimpressive and moderately annoying. What happened?

Relax, clearly she has reached that age where she realizes that as a woman, nothing else matters so long as you appear universally and undisputedly beautiful to society as a whole. Is undisputedly a word? Apparently not. STFU Denise, I’m not here because I’m a mediocre-or-better writer. I’m here because I have a severe complex.

Where was I going? Oh, yes, society hates women who aren’t beautiful.

When/why/how did this happen? Not society hating imperfect women—I don’t have time to unpack that right now. I mean the beautiful, glamorous 15-year-old. Last year, Holly was playing Bananagrams and wearing industrially tie-dyed T-shirts purchased from the gift shop section of Joe’s Crab Shack. Now she looks like a beautiful, radiant, perfume ad mermaid.

She leaves her purse on the kitchen chair, essentially inviting anyone to rifle through it. Idiot. Her purse must not be filled with crumpled up mini-Reese’s wrappers and loose generic brand ibuprofen. I look inside. Suspicion confirmed.

Not only is her purse not filled with eclectic bits of trash, it contains a pristine Sephora-brand makeup bag. The contents: Fenty. Kat Von D. Benefit. NARS. Too Faced. tarte. The cost of my little cousins’ makeup bag far surpassing my monthly health insurance premium. And my premium is hiiiigggghhhhhh.

You are not being surpassed by a more beautiful, much more technologically savvy and more globally organized version of yourself! Wait, no, that’s exactly what is happening! You don’t even know what globally organized means, but Holly does—she used it in a sentence earlier.

Panic.

Holly walks back into the room.  Panic harder. She catches you looking through her bag. Think of a lie. “Oh whoops, I thought this was my bag for a sec.”  She doesn’t believe you. She’s furrowing her perfectly outlined eyebrows at you. She knows you’ve purchased the last two bottles of 60% off clearance foundation in cvs and sloppily attempted to blend them together to match your skin tone. Warm sand and cool light #2? You stupid bitch. Holly knows you did this because you drank too much last year and told everyone said story thinking it would be cute. It was not cute. You’re 29. You’ve never understood the difference between warm and cool as it pertains to foundation. You never will. You’re a monster.

Back to the matter at hand. How is Holly affording this lavish makeup lifestyle? Holly doesn’t have a job. How is she able to spend $54 on a Fenty Beauty Highlighter Palette?

You are an adult, with a big person job. A job selling insurance policies. That job is in an office, a very boring office. A boring office that pays you money to be there everyday. It is dark outside when you leave at 4:30 pm. You definitely have seasonal affective disorder. Among other things. You don’t have time to unpack those other things right now.

You think to yourself, “when I was 15, I looked like a glitter-covered potato.” You did look like a glitter-covered potato.

Goddamn it.

You make a mental note to destroy the patriarchy. It is the only way.

Men Fearful of Rape Allegations Avoid Dark Alleys, Parking Garages, Excessive Drinking

COLLEGE PARK, MD –

Nathan Doyle, 21, a caucasian junior at University of Maryland, says he’s been on edge ever since last week’s senate hearings over Brett Kavanaugh.  

“The culture here on campus is scary,” remarked Nathan, referring to the perceived uptick in sexual assault allegations at colleges and universities across the country. Despite hard data revealing that sexual assault numbers have remained fairly level since the mid-70s, colleges and universities have only recently begun to regularly discipline perpetrators.

“Back when my dad was in school, college was totally safe. Guys could get as drunk as they wanted, wander around campus late at night, and there was never a fear of someone jumping out of the shadows to accuse them of sexual assault,” said Nathan.

Nathan’s friend, freshman caucasian Delta-Phi-Psi pledge Robert Dickley, agrees. “In high school, I felt totally safe in my own town. I’d get drunk, party with the other football guys, and Periscope entire hangouts. I used to share my location on Snap Map and Instagram, but now I never put information about my whereabouts online. I’ve even started carrying pepper spray. You just never know when some crazed, psychopathic lunatic could show up at your house, or a party, or at Cornerstone and accuse you of sexual assault.”

Benjamin Porter, a sophomore caucasian Kinesiology major, added “I avoid parking garages at night. They’re just too risky. You never know when a deranged man-hater is going to be crouching behind your car, ready to brutally scribble down your license plate number and traumatically report you for having assaulted her at Jeremy’s party 3 years earlier.”

Jacob Mowry, Senior and Vice President of the campus’ chapter of Future Business Leaders of America, shared some of his strategies with us. “I really only drink alcohol when I’m with my guy friends now. If I’m at a party, I really have to make sure I don’t blackout. If I drink too much, I could be accused by several people of something that I would probably never do, not to mention the risk of not remembering how sweet the party was!”

Jacob’s tactics weren’t limited to practicing alcohol abstention. “I used to wear sleeveless shirts and muscle tees to the gym or to parties all the time. Now, when I’m in public, I try to only wear Santa suits. I definitely don’t want to look like I want to be accused of rape. There’s no one less rapey than Santa, right?” Jacob inquired.

“Man, these women should really be getting our consent before just goin’ ahead and accusing us of rape. Do you think anyone asked Brett Kavanaugh if he was comfortable being accused of sexual assault?” Nathan irritably speculated.

“Accusations of sexual assault can traumatize young men for decades after they happen,” advised Dr. Sandra Hess. “Young men today are seeing their friends, fathers, even hero football players being violently accused by women they thought they could trust.”

Benjamin Porter reflects on the anxiety the #MeToo movement has caused him and his straight, cis-gender, caucasian, male friends. “Sometimes I feel like my accuser-fear can be a bit irrational. I mean if Jessica or some other girl ever accused me of something, it would be bad for me, don’t get me wrong. But it’s not like I’d lose my job, my friends, or my good reputation. It just seems like a long irritating process and my parents would probably have to pay a lot of money to a lawyer. It’s a hassle I really don’t need in my life, especially with midterms coming up.”