Category: Local

Alabama Women Rejoice Gaining HOV Lane Rights with Six-Week Zygotes

Alabama

Women won big yesterday in Alabama. After hundreds of years of oppression, sexism and lack of autonomy, things are finally turning around for uterus owners. Why? Because Alabama just ruled that a six-week old zygote is a person with rights. This means one big benefit for zygote moms.

The carpool lane, the High Occupancy Vehicle lane, the fast track to anywhere you could want to go by car, is now open season for any woman with a uterus and a zygote to go with it.

Women can rest assured that whether they are driving into work early to put in those extra hours for a promotion that will just be given to Dave anyway because he seems more “serious” and won’t need to take maternity leave, that they can get there quickly without sitting in traffic!

Or when Tina needs to drive to Costco to buy concealer and six family-sized packs of thin sliced honey glazed turkey to pack school lunches for her six children while her physically and verbally abusive husband nurses yet another hangover he’s having from a Wednesday night drinking bender. She can breathe easy knowing she’s not violating any traffic laws taking that HOV lane!

Or even when Angela is driving to her 4 am shift at Taco Bell where she makes $7.25 an hour because she was drugged and raped at a party when she was 15 and had to drop out of high school to raise her baby, she won’t have to worry about traffic either!

Wow, what a great time it is to be a woman in Alabama!

 

 

 

Masochistic Little Cardboard Box Wants to Be Reduced, Reused, Recycled

Portland, OR

Ding dong. Local man Gary Stewart got a little surprise at his front door today: A sexy little cardboard box.

It’s never been a secret that Gary’s always had a thing for cardboard boxes of all shapes and sizes, but this one was different.

This cardboard box has a special kink.

At first Gary was taken aback to learn that printed on the top of this box was the demand for it to be reduced, reused, and recycled. Gary had never even considered doing those things with a cardboard box before, no box had ever asked. It felt…dirty.

Not wanting the box to think he was inexperienced, Gary’s mind started racing. How would he reuse this naughty little box? Would he fill if full of gently used sports equipment and keep it in the basement for days at a time? Or would he cram it full of packing peanuts and the Kitchenaid mixer he bought for William and Jan’s wedding shower? Gary did recall that they mentioned they were looking for a third.

Or would he separate the box’s flaps, cover it in Saran wrap and duct tape it into his busted car window?

Or, would Gary do all three? Oh, fuck yeah.

Report: Un-Ironically Loving Applebee’s is the New Ironically Loving Applebee’s

We get it, you’re “sophisticated.” You frequent four-dollar-sign yelp restaurants. You spent the equivalent of a mortgage payment at Alinea and you added on the wine pairing (slow down, Gatsby!). You use descriptive words like oakey, buttery, floral, smokey and rich to describe your food. You know that the best Pinots come from the Russian River Valley.  You’re a self-proclaimed foodie. We get it, okay?

And of course, you go to Applebee’s with your friends, but make sure to announce to everyone that you are only there ironically. Applebee’s is a sad, sad establishment where culture-deficient local urchins visit to experience “fine dining.” And you are so above that—except to be there ironically of course!

Except I am cooler than you. Because I un-ironically love Applebee’s.

That’s right, I said it. I un-ironically love Applebee’s.

In the era of farm to table, organic, local and artisanal dishes, sometimes you just want to eat some endless buffalo chicken wings and enjoy three to eight sugary, watered-down dollar Hurricanes. That’s right, dollar hurricanes. What’s that, you just paid $32 for a glass of Scotch? And then you tipped the server AT LEAST $6.40 on that Scotch? You’re a sucker. But you better have tipped your server 20% on that Scotch (I’m an un-ironic Applebee’s lover, not a monster). Should have bought a whole bottle of that Laphroaig Islay Single Malt at the liquor store for $64.99. Suckkerrrr.

I don’t know about you, but my ever-so-gradually-deflating student loan debt is loving the Tier 2 and Tier 3 three course meals offered by Applebee’s, at $11.99 and $13.99, in the most genuine an completely unapologetic way.

Give in to it, and let your Applebee’s-loving, 2 for $20, freak flag fly.

I wish I could tell you that Applebee’s paid me to write this.

Nation Gears up for the Real Holiday: 50% off Candy at Walgreens

Let’s be real. You don’t give a fuck about Valentine’s day. A commercial Hallmark holiday created to force people to overpay for fancy chocolates and genetically modified roses, that don’t even smell like roses anymore? Uhm, No-fucking-thank you. Not today, Satan!

I’ll bet you like two things: bargain shopping and candy, and those free t-shirts that drop from the ceiling in cute little parachutes at ice hockey games. OK, you like three things.

Valentine’s day may be an expensive, unnecessary, single-person-shaming, gag worthy, social media PDA free-for-all. But for many Americans, it is simply the day before their favorite unofficial holiday of the year.

50 percent off Walgreen’s candy day.

That’s right, the holiday of bargain hunting, pessimistic, Valentine’s-day-hating champions everywhere.

Note: you do not have to hate Valentine’s day to participate in this glorious holiday. But it does help.

It’s February 15th. Walk with purpose to the seasonal section in the middle of the store. The trick is to get there early, but not so early that employees haven’t begun marking down the cupid-clad goods. This is the time when you are going to get the best selection. Kit-Kats, Reese’s, Hershey’s Dark Chocolate with Almonds, a heart shape box of Ghirardelli.

Don’t let the heart covered packaging make you stop to question the meaninglessness of your life. Susan over there has come to terms with this years ago, and she is quickly filling up her basket with minature Reese’s cups. Susan’s not a sucker. Just keep going, and remember, most candy looks normal once you trash the nightmarish, heart-covered outer packaging.

Now some of you might be thrill seeking risk takers. Preferring to wait as long as possible to purchase your discounted Valentine’s day treasures. You seek that ever ellusive 75% off. Your pursuit is noble, but wait too long and be left with empty shelves and only the Candy Corn of Valentine’s day: Conversation Hearts.

Godspeed. You lonely, frugual, beautiful person, you.

Until Easter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Selfless, Heroic Americans Donate to Border Wall GoFundMe to Protect Immigrants from U.S. Mass Shootings

Miramar, FL

December 15th. A selfless, generous, goddess of a man, Brian Kolfage becomes the hero that would-be immigrants everywhere, never knew they needed.

When Brian learned that his, and many other American’s dream of erecting a two-thousand mile wall along the country’s southern border was in danger, he lept to action, in the form of creating a border wall GoFundme.

Building a borderwall is an emergency if there has ever been one. Why? Currently, people who do live in the United States live in contstant fear of becoming victims of the next firearm-related killing spree. Perpetually agonizing over the moment when the next disgruntled white male will, on a whim, purchase a semi-automatic weapon at his neighborhood Walmart.

And what have we done about this problem? Nothing!

Sure, American citizens, distraught parents, college students, even highschool students have been protesting, letterwriting, voting for gun reform, pleading with their local representatives to create change. But it seems that very little has changed.

Brian Kolfage is actually doing something about it. By starting a GoFundMe to build a boarder wall, Brian is showing the world that he is committed to the safety of millions of Central and South American people. People, who otherwise, would be crossing the border into an NRA-sponsored warzone.

Brian wants to protect immigrants from tragedies like The Las Vegas shooting, the Orlando Nightclub shooting, the Virginia Tech shooting, the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting, the Sutherland Springs Church shooting, the Stoneman Douglas High school shooting, the Aurora Shooting the, Thousand Oaks shooting, the Pittsburgh Synangogue shooting, the Washington Navy Yard shooting, the Santa Fe High School shooting, just to name a few.

Brian Kolfage is such a hero, that he wants to put the safety of immigrant men, women, and children over the safety of his own family, friends and neighbors. Wow. Even more inspiring is the thousands of American’s who feel the same way and have donated to his cause of protecting immigrants from U.S. based gun violence.

Brian is not going to stand idly by, while innocent men, women and children enter a country with the highest rate of mass shootings in the world. And neither should you. Donate today.

 

Fuck! 15-year-old Cousin at Christmas Affording Better Makeup than You

South Bend—IN

Family, Eggnog, those delicious peanut butter chocolate kiss cookies that look like nips. Aunt Laura on a tirade about banned Christmas songs. Just another standard Hoffman family Christmas? No, bitch. This year is going to be different.

Your 15-year-old cousin, Holly, walks in. You turn to look at her. You immediately realize that she is a glorious, beautiful, instagram princess. What. The. Fuck. Last year Holly was wholly unimpressive and moderately annoying. What happened?

Relax, clearly she has reached that age where she realizes that as a woman, nothing else matters so long as you appear universally and undisputedly beautiful to society as a whole. Is undisputedly a word? Apparently not. STFU Denise, I’m not here because I’m a mediocre-or-better writer. I’m here because I have a severe complex.

Where was I going? Oh, yes, society hates women who aren’t beautiful.

When/why/how did this happen? Not society hating imperfect women—I don’t have time to unpack that right now. I mean the beautiful, glamorous 15-year-old. Last year, Holly was playing Bananagrams and wearing industrially tie-dyed T-shirts purchased from the gift shop section of Joe’s Crab Shack. Now she looks like a beautiful, radiant, perfume ad mermaid.

She leaves her purse on the kitchen chair, essentially inviting anyone to rifle through it. Idiot. Her purse must not be filled with crumpled up mini-Reese’s wrappers and loose generic brand ibuprofen. I look inside. Suspicion confirmed.

Not only is her purse not filled with eclectic bits of trash, it contains a pristine Sephora-brand makeup bag. The contents: Fenty. Kat Von D. Benefit. NARS. Too Faced. tarte. The cost of my little cousins’ makeup bag far surpassing my monthly health insurance premium. And my premium is hiiiigggghhhhhh.

You are not being surpassed by a more beautiful, much more technologically savvy and more globally organized version of yourself! Wait, no, that’s exactly what is happening! You don’t even know what globally organized means, but Holly does—she used it in a sentence earlier.

Panic.

Holly walks back into the room.  Panic harder. She catches you looking through her bag. Think of a lie. “Oh whoops, I thought this was my bag for a sec.”  She doesn’t believe you. She’s furrowing her perfectly outlined eyebrows at you. She knows you’ve purchased the last two bottles of 60% off clearance foundation in cvs and sloppily attempted to blend them together to match your skin tone. Warm sand and cool light #2? You stupid bitch. Holly knows you did this because you drank too much last year and told everyone said story thinking it would be cute. It was not cute. You’re 29. You’ve never understood the difference between warm and cool as it pertains to foundation. You never will. You’re a monster.

Back to the matter at hand. How is Holly affording this lavish makeup lifestyle? Holly doesn’t have a job. How is she able to spend $54 on a Fenty Beauty Highlighter Palette?

You are an adult, with a big person job. A job selling insurance policies. That job is in an office, a very boring office. A boring office that pays you money to be there everyday. It is dark outside when you leave at 4:30 pm. You definitely have seasonal affective disorder. Among other things. You don’t have time to unpack those other things right now.

You think to yourself, “when I was 15, I looked like a glitter-covered potato.” You did look like a glitter-covered potato.

Goddamn it.

You make a mental note to destroy the patriarchy. It is the only way.

I Lived It: Playing Mario Kart as a Child Prepared Me For the Hells of Driving In the City of Chicago

If you’re anything like me, you spent countless hours of your youth sitting in front of a 24 inch TV, playing Nintendo 64’s Mario Kart. Your mom told you that you should go play kickball with your weird neighbors and your dad told you that video games would rot your brain. Guess what? Your parents were liars. Every second that you spent playing Mario Kart, you were learning fundamental driving lessons that would one day become desperately relevant.

Avoid Those Bananas

Ah, the dreaded banana. Those slippery, yellow nuisances littered the road, sending drivers into a tailspin. They could ruin your lead.

Now they are called potholes and they are fucking everywhere. Avoid them at all costs. Swerve, baby, swerve.

Everyone Else is Donkey Kong

Everyone knows that Donkey Kong is the biggest asshole in all of Mario Kart. He is big and heavy and aggressive and he will wreck you.

Now you have CTA and Pace buses, who give absolutely zero fucks and will merge into your car. They are bigger than you and they know it. Also, SUV’s and Minivans are like Donkey Kong too. And lots of other cars. Basically, everyone but you is asshole Donkey Kong and you are sweet, sweet, cheerful, beautiful, innocent, virginal, toad. Side note: sometimes you are also Donkey Kong and on those days, people should not fuck with you.

Boo Will Steal Your Shit

Remember when you finally got your hands on a really cool item, only to have another player use Boo to steal it from you? Sucks.

Now that you’re an adult living in Chicago, that stolen item will be your car battery. Looks like you’re taking a Lyft to the auto parts store. Good thing Mario Kart prepared you for the pang of disappointment and anger you’ll feel about being victimized.

Squid Ink on Your Windshield is NBD

If you played the later versions of Mario Kart, you know that other players can “squid ink” you, creating blind spots on your windshield.

Sure it was annoying, but it was great practice for the next time you do a real half-ass job cleaning the snow and ice off your windshield before driving your hour-long morning commute to work. Hopefully that vision-obscuring ice melts before you get on 55, but if not, you got this!

Lightning Makes Everyone Miserable

Excluding the lucky person who received it, lightning screwed everyone. First place or last place, everyone else in the race suffered equally. Players shrank and slowed to a crawl.

Welcome to Lake Shore Drive rush hour traffic, where it doesn’t matter how much that guy paid for his Tesla, he’s stuck in bumper to bumper traffic just like everyone else! Better hope the Cubs aren’t playing today. Important note: the only people not affected by traffic are weaving motorcyclists. And just like lightning-strikers, all the other drivers hate them.

Family Too Ashamed of America this Year to Justify Spending $800 on Illegal Fireworks

The Fourth of July, a holiday to get together with family, grill burgers and hotdogs, celebrate independence, and shoot beautiful, illegal, awe-inspiring explosives into the sky.

But this year is different.

The Watersson family tells us that they will not be purchasing any fireworks of any kind this year. Not even sparklers.

“We love the Fourth of July, and we love fireworks, but Kathy and I agreed that our hearts just weren’t in it this year,” revealed Tim Watersson.

Tim cites the “utter mockery of democracy happening in Washington” and the still unresolved border crisis as main reasons for losing his ‘America Mojo’ this year. “I mean Donald Trump is still our President, how insane is that?!” Tim added.

This years’ lack of American pride is getting mixed reviews. We talked to groups who were most affected by America’s general apathy regarding this year’s July 4th.

Local fire departments and dog owners everywhere appear to be relieved that downtrodden Americans will be refraining from shooting loud and combustible objects into the sky this year. “We are expecting to have a quiet night here at the station,” reports fire Chief Daniel Hayes. “Usually we get 2-3 calls every year from homeowners whose roofs are smoldering or have caught fire. The EMT’s are thrilled that they won’t have to attend to nearly as many burned or mangled hands this year.

However, Debra Walsh, Marketing Manager at Old Navy corperate has been having a troubling couple of weeks. “Low patriotic morale has plummeted sales of our classic American Flag Old Navy shirts lower than ever. This is really going to hurt us. We have got to change our broken political system if we want companies like Old Navy to survive.”

It doesn’t stop at American flag t-shirts, either.

Discount mattress warehouses and car dealerships have been noticing a slump in sales too, despite doorbuster deals and 4th of July promotions.

“I want so badly to be a proud American. It’s just that instead of buying a new car I don’t need or spending $800 on M-80’s, I’m wondering if I should be using that money to help unite an immigrant mother and son that have been torn apart at the hands of our very own government,” states Kathy Watersson.

Tim Watersson left us with this final metaphor.

“America is like my daughter okay? I am always going to love her, no matter what, but I really wish she wasn’t with that guy that 22 different women have personally accused of rape or other sexual misconduct, you know?”

Inspiring! This Woman Overcame Gender Inequality in Her Marriage by Naming Roomba “My Husband”

CHICAGO, IL – Lakeview woman Katrina Greenham, 41 had long resented her husband of 13 years Mark Greenham, 43 for his habit of leaving far more than 50% of the household chores to his wife. “Sure, he was in charge of putting all the bills on Auto-Pay, but I was handling everything else. Dishes, laundry, childcare, you name it,” said Katrina of her and her husband’s division of labor.

After months of contemplating divorce or couple’s counseling and a late night of wine-drunk Amazon shopping, Katrina finally found the answer. “I always wanted a Roomba ever since I first saw the infomercials,” she said of the robot vacuum cleaner that boasts the high-tech features of self-charging, digitally mapping a home to identify high-use areas, and smartphone app integration.

“When the package finally came, I was so excited. It instantly felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders,” Katrina said, as she described her impression of her new $650 gadget. “Then my mom called, and she could hear the Roomba in the background, and she asked, ‘who’s vacumming?’ I jokingly said, ‘oh, it’s just my husband!’ and the nickname really stuck.”

Ever since naming the machine “my husband,” Katrina has been able to brag to her friends about “how much cleaning my husband gets done while I’m out” and “how nice it is for my husband to do such a thorough job without my asking.” Katrina reports that bliss has finally returned to her marriage.

“Everybody loves my husband! The kids adore having my husband in the house when they get home from school, and my husband keeps the dog entertained with his natural playful energy,” Katrina told The Blend. “I think the neighbors get a little uncomfortable when my husband gets turned on, though” she laughed, “it can get kind of noisy!” With 80% of women still reporting a perception of an unbalanced division of household labor in their marriages, this is certainly a win for the Greenham family.

Mark Greenham could not be reached for comment for this story.