Category: Politics

Alabama Women Rejoice Gaining HOV Lane Rights with Six-Week Zygotes

Alabama

Women won big yesterday in Alabama. After hundreds of years of oppression, sexism and lack of autonomy, things are finally turning around for uterus owners. Why? Because Alabama just ruled that a six-week old zygote is a person with rights. This means one big benefit for zygote moms.

The carpool lane, the High Occupancy Vehicle lane, the fast track to anywhere you could want to go by car, is now open season for any woman with a uterus and a zygote to go with it.

Women can rest assured that whether they are driving into work early to put in those extra hours for a promotion that will just be given to Dave anyway because he seems more “serious” and won’t need to take maternity leave, that they can get there quickly without sitting in traffic!

Or when Tina needs to drive to Costco to buy concealer and six family-sized packs of thin sliced honey glazed turkey to pack school lunches for her six children while her physically and verbally abusive husband nurses yet another hangover he’s having from a Wednesday night drinking bender. She can breathe easy knowing she’s not violating any traffic laws taking that HOV lane!

Or even when Angela is driving to her 4 am shift at Taco Bell where she makes $7.25 an hour because she was drugged and raped at a party when she was 15 and had to drop out of high school to raise her baby, she won’t have to worry about traffic either!

Wow, what a great time it is to be a woman in Alabama!

 

 

 

Fuck! The State of Georgia Just Passed a Law Prohibiting Georgia Residents from Moving out of This Dumpster Fire of a State!

Holy shit. If you thought things in Georgia couldn’t possibly get any worse. You were being a real naive bitch!

Earlier today, Georgia governor Brian Kemp signed the “Heartbeat Bill,” making it illegal for women to seek abortions as early as six weeks after conception.

Additionally, women who do receive an abortion in the state of Georgia can be tried for first degree murder. Traveling outside of the state for an abortion, or helping a woman travel outside of the state for an abortion would also be punishable by law.

Welcome to Gilead ladies!

But what about women (and men) who think this shit is absolutely terrifying and that it’s time to get the fuck out of Georgia?

Governor Brian Kemp has just signed a new bill into law to solve that problem too!

HB 666, dubbed the “The Sinking Ship Bill,” will make it unlawful for any current Georgia resident to move outside of this shitty terrible fuckhole of a state starting on July 1, 2020. Leaving the state will be punishable by a minimum sentence of 5 years imprisonment—in Georgia—seriously, you can’t leave!

Governor Kemp explained “We realized that it was much easier to pass legislation which would punish citizens for leaving the state than it would be to fund programs to keep them happy or to allow women to have autonomy over their own bodies—blehh.”

He added that constitutionally, he saw no problems with legally prohibiting residents from leaving the backwards, festering dog turd of a state.

 

 

 

 

Selfless, Heroic Americans Donate to Border Wall GoFundMe to Protect Immigrants from U.S. Mass Shootings

Miramar, FL

December 15th. A selfless, generous, goddess of a man, Brian Kolfage becomes the hero that would-be immigrants everywhere, never knew they needed.

When Brian learned that his, and many other American’s dream of erecting a two-thousand mile wall along the country’s southern border was in danger, he lept to action, in the form of creating a border wall GoFundme.

Building a borderwall is an emergency if there has ever been one. Why? Currently, people who do live in the United States live in contstant fear of becoming victims of the next firearm-related killing spree. Perpetually agonizing over the moment when the next disgruntled white male will, on a whim, purchase a semi-automatic weapon at his neighborhood Walmart.

And what have we done about this problem? Nothing!

Sure, American citizens, distraught parents, college students, even highschool students have been protesting, letterwriting, voting for gun reform, pleading with their local representatives to create change. But it seems that very little has changed.

Brian Kolfage is actually doing something about it. By starting a GoFundMe to build a boarder wall, Brian is showing the world that he is committed to the safety of millions of Central and South American people. People, who otherwise, would be crossing the border into an NRA-sponsored warzone.

Brian wants to protect immigrants from tragedies like The Las Vegas shooting, the Orlando Nightclub shooting, the Virginia Tech shooting, the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting, the Sutherland Springs Church shooting, the Stoneman Douglas High school shooting, the Aurora Shooting the, Thousand Oaks shooting, the Pittsburgh Synangogue shooting, the Washington Navy Yard shooting, the Santa Fe High School shooting, just to name a few.

Brian Kolfage is such a hero, that he wants to put the safety of immigrant men, women, and children over the safety of his own family, friends and neighbors. Wow. Even more inspiring is the thousands of American’s who feel the same way and have donated to his cause of protecting immigrants from U.S. based gun violence.

Brian is not going to stand idly by, while innocent men, women and children enter a country with the highest rate of mass shootings in the world. And neither should you. Donate today.

 

Men Fearful of Rape Allegations Avoid Dark Alleys, Parking Garages, Excessive Drinking

COLLEGE PARK, MD –

Nathan Doyle, 21, a caucasian junior at University of Maryland, says he’s been on edge ever since last week’s senate hearings over Brett Kavanaugh.  

“The culture here on campus is scary,” remarked Nathan, referring to the perceived uptick in sexual assault allegations at colleges and universities across the country. Despite hard data revealing that sexual assault numbers have remained fairly level since the mid-70s, colleges and universities have only recently begun to regularly discipline perpetrators.

“Back when my dad was in school, college was totally safe. Guys could get as drunk as they wanted, wander around campus late at night, and there was never a fear of someone jumping out of the shadows to accuse them of sexual assault,” said Nathan.

Nathan’s friend, freshman caucasian Delta-Phi-Psi pledge Robert Dickley, agrees. “In high school, I felt totally safe in my own town. I’d get drunk, party with the other football guys, and Periscope entire hangouts. I used to share my location on Snap Map and Instagram, but now I never put information about my whereabouts online. I’ve even started carrying pepper spray. You just never know when some crazed, psychopathic lunatic could show up at your house, or a party, or at Cornerstone and accuse you of sexual assault.”

Benjamin Porter, a sophomore caucasian Kinesiology major, added “I avoid parking garages at night. They’re just too risky. You never know when a deranged man-hater is going to be crouching behind your car, ready to brutally scribble down your license plate number and traumatically report you for having assaulted her at Jeremy’s party 3 years earlier.”

Jacob Mowry, Senior and Vice President of the campus’ chapter of Future Business Leaders of America, shared some of his strategies with us. “I really only drink alcohol when I’m with my guy friends now. If I’m at a party, I really have to make sure I don’t blackout. If I drink too much, I could be accused by several people of something that I would probably never do, not to mention the risk of not remembering how sweet the party was!”

Jacob’s tactics weren’t limited to practicing alcohol abstention. “I used to wear sleeveless shirts and muscle tees to the gym or to parties all the time. Now, when I’m in public, I try to only wear Santa suits. I definitely don’t want to look like I want to be accused of rape. There’s no one less rapey than Santa, right?” Jacob inquired.

“Man, these women should really be getting our consent before just goin’ ahead and accusing us of rape. Do you think anyone asked Brett Kavanaugh if he was comfortable being accused of sexual assault?” Nathan irritably speculated.

“Accusations of sexual assault can traumatize young men for decades after they happen,” advised Dr. Sandra Hess. “Young men today are seeing their friends, fathers, even hero football players being violently accused by women they thought they could trust.”

Benjamin Porter reflects on the anxiety the #MeToo movement has caused him and his straight, cis-gender, caucasian, male friends. “Sometimes I feel like my accuser-fear can be a bit irrational. I mean if Jessica or some other girl ever accused me of something, it would be bad for me, don’t get me wrong. But it’s not like I’d lose my job, my friends, or my good reputation. It just seems like a long irritating process and my parents would probably have to pay a lot of money to a lawyer. It’s a hassle I really don’t need in my life, especially with midterms coming up.”

 

Poll: 93% of U.S. Representatives Unsure if Women can be Considered “People”

Washington D.C.

In an anonymous survey conducted by the PEW Research Center, 435 members of the United States House of Representatives were asked if women can be considered people.

52% of representatives cited the following Merriam-Webster Definition of “people.”

 “pluralhuman beings making up a group or assembly or linked by a common interest”

This 52% determined that since women are interested in things like makeup and autonomy over their own bodies, and men are interested in sports and objectifying women, that men and women don’t actually have common interests. Therefore, they couldn’t be sure if women can really be considered people.

28% offered that they knew a rapist who was close to them, and that they sympathized with the trauma that this rapist must feel at coming to the terms with the idea that women could be considered people. Citing this as their reason, they chose to remain on the fence.

13% of representatives surveyed reported that they couldn’t be sure that women were not incredibly sophisticated life-like robots like the ones featured in the Michael Crichton novel and popular HBO television series “Westworld.”

In the comments section, one representative elaborated:

“In Westworld, park guests are transported to a fantasy land where the guests in the park can do absolutely anything they want to women with entirely no repercussions or accountability. If  women in the real world weren’t robots, how do you explain the Brock Turner case, the election of Donald Trump, the attempt to confirm Brett Kavanaugh? Not to mention the absolute hell our society puts female sexual assault victims through when they work up the courage to come forward. This is the only thing that makes sense to me. Maybe we should have the FBI investigate.”

The 7% that voted yes, were all women. Yeah, okay. Sounds like the answer a highly sophisticated robot would give if you ask me.

 

 

 

 

Family Too Ashamed of America this Year to Justify Spending $800 on Illegal Fireworks

The Fourth of July, a holiday to get together with family, grill burgers and hotdogs, celebrate independence, and shoot beautiful, illegal, awe-inspiring explosives into the sky.

But this year is different.

The Watersson family tells us that they will not be purchasing any fireworks of any kind this year. Not even sparklers.

“We love the Fourth of July, and we love fireworks, but Kathy and I agreed that our hearts just weren’t in it this year,” revealed Tim Watersson.

Tim cites the “utter mockery of democracy happening in Washington” and the still unresolved border crisis as main reasons for losing his ‘America Mojo’ this year. “I mean Donald Trump is still our President, how insane is that?!” Tim added.

This years’ lack of American pride is getting mixed reviews. We talked to groups who were most affected by America’s general apathy regarding this year’s July 4th.

Local fire departments and dog owners everywhere appear to be relieved that downtrodden Americans will be refraining from shooting loud and combustible objects into the sky this year. “We are expecting to have a quiet night here at the station,” reports fire Chief Daniel Hayes. “Usually we get 2-3 calls every year from homeowners whose roofs are smoldering or have caught fire. The EMT’s are thrilled that they won’t have to attend to nearly as many burned or mangled hands this year.

However, Debra Walsh, Marketing Manager at Old Navy corperate has been having a troubling couple of weeks. “Low patriotic morale has plummeted sales of our classic American Flag Old Navy shirts lower than ever. This is really going to hurt us. We have got to change our broken political system if we want companies like Old Navy to survive.”

It doesn’t stop at American flag t-shirts, either.

Discount mattress warehouses and car dealerships have been noticing a slump in sales too, despite doorbuster deals and 4th of July promotions.

“I want so badly to be a proud American. It’s just that instead of buying a new car I don’t need or spending $800 on M-80’s, I’m wondering if I should be using that money to help unite an immigrant mother and son that have been torn apart at the hands of our very own government,” states Kathy Watersson.

Tim Watersson left us with this final metaphor.

“America is like my daughter okay? I am always going to love her, no matter what, but I really wish she wasn’t with that guy that 22 different women have personally accused of rape or other sexual misconduct, you know?”

Inspiring! This Woman Overcame Gender Inequality in Her Marriage by Naming Roomba “My Husband”

CHICAGO, IL – Lakeview woman Katrina Greenham, 41 had long resented her husband of 13 years Mark Greenham, 43 for his habit of leaving far more than 50% of the household chores to his wife. “Sure, he was in charge of putting all the bills on Auto-Pay, but I was handling everything else. Dishes, laundry, childcare, you name it,” said Katrina of her and her husband’s division of labor.

After months of contemplating divorce or couple’s counseling and a late night of wine-drunk Amazon shopping, Katrina finally found the answer. “I always wanted a Roomba ever since I first saw the infomercials,” she said of the robot vacuum cleaner that boasts the high-tech features of self-charging, digitally mapping a home to identify high-use areas, and smartphone app integration.

“When the package finally came, I was so excited. It instantly felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders,” Katrina said, as she described her impression of her new $650 gadget. “Then my mom called, and she could hear the Roomba in the background, and she asked, ‘who’s vacumming?’ I jokingly said, ‘oh, it’s just my husband!’ and the nickname really stuck.”

Ever since naming the machine “my husband,” Katrina has been able to brag to her friends about “how much cleaning my husband gets done while I’m out” and “how nice it is for my husband to do such a thorough job without my asking.” Katrina reports that bliss has finally returned to her marriage.

“Everybody loves my husband! The kids adore having my husband in the house when they get home from school, and my husband keeps the dog entertained with his natural playful energy,” Katrina told The Blend. “I think the neighbors get a little uncomfortable when my husband gets turned on, though” she laughed, “it can get kind of noisy!” With 80% of women still reporting a perception of an unbalanced division of household labor in their marriages, this is certainly a win for the Greenham family.

Mark Greenham could not be reached for comment for this story.

Homewreckers Relieved to Be Replaced by U.S. Border Patrol as Number One Cause of Destroyed Families

Outrage has been building in the United States and around the world regarding a new policy change which has been stripping children away from their parents at the southern border of the United States.

Since the enforcement of a new policy meant to punish illegally immigrating families and families seeking asylum, outraged Americans have been protesting, donating to the ACLU and Raices, and calling their local representatives.

Many people have compared what is happening at the U.S. border to Nazi Germany Concentration Camps or Japanese Internment Camps. Democrats are rushing legislation to prevent the separation of families, entire communities are in uproar, but there is one group of people who aren’t as disturbed by what’s happening as you might think.

Homewreckers.

Yes, homewreckers. The men and women who’ve participated in an illicit affair with a married person with children, leading to divorce and the subsequent separation of their family.

We talked to a few homewreckers for more information.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong,” says Nicole Jensen, 31, “it is horrible what is happening at the border, it’s an atrocity. And I know it’s selfish, but the thing is, I used to feel so guilty for splitting up Mark and Jennifer’s marriage. Mark only got to see the kids every other weekend, Jennifer spray painted F*&%ing C*&# across my Honda Accord. I mean I felt horrible. But what the U.S. Border Patrol is doing now? This is like so much worse than what I did.”

Todd Mullins had similar sentiments. “I mean I never put any kids in cages, sure Maria had to sell the house and move into a two-bedroom apartment with two teenagers to afford the divorce, but those kids were free to roam about that 815 square foot apartment as they pleased. I am basically Gandhi compared to the U.S. border patrol.”

Todd and Nicole, though glad to have the heat off of them for once, did donate to the following organizations and requested that we share that information here.

https://www.facebook.com/donate/490507544717085/

https://www.aclu.org/donate-aclu?ms=web_horiz_nav_hp

NASA Sends Flat-Earther into Space to Prove Point, Leaves Him there

Local Louisiana man and fervent Flat Earth supporter, Jim Blake, got the surprise of lifetime last month when he was contacted directly by NASA. NASA reports that Jim had had sent over 230 letters and made numerous phone calls to their headquarters. In his communication, Jim declared that the earth was actually flat and that NASA was complicit in a centuries-old global conspiracy to inform the public otherwise.

Jim was given the incredible once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to travel into orbit to observe the spherical earth for himself. We are told that Jim jumped at the chance. This past Monday, at 8:05 am EST Jim’s was launched into space in NASA’s SS KV 786 Rocket.

“No, we never said anything about a return trip. Jim made that inference completely on his own.” NASA Astronaut Team Lead Garrison Avery

“We are just really tired of arguing with these guys.” – NASA Astronaut Mark Denton

“Honestly, I don’t even feel the need to defend our team’s decision.” – NASA Astronaut David Chamber

“I know there are so many of them out there, but it I can look back over my life, and say I sent one flat-earther into Earth’s orbit forever, I’ll feel like I made a real difference.” NASA Astronaut Kathryn Connolly.