Category: Science

NASA Sends Flat-Earther into Space to Prove Point, Leaves Him there

Local Louisiana man and fervent Flat Earth supporter, Jim Blake, got the surprise of lifetime last month when he was contacted directly by NASA. NASA reports that Jim had had sent over 230 letters and made numerous phone calls to their headquarters. In his communication, Jim declared that the earth was actually flat and that NASA was complicit in a centuries-old global conspiracy to inform the public otherwise.

Jim was given the incredible once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to travel into orbit to observe the spherical earth for himself. We are told that Jim jumped at the chance. This past Monday, at 8:05 am EST Jim’s was launched into space in NASA’s SS KV 786 Rocket.

“No, we never said anything about a return trip. Jim made that inference completely on his own.” NASA Astronaut Team Lead Garrison Avery

“We are just really tired of arguing with these guys.” – NASA Astronaut Mark Denton

“Honestly, I don’t even feel the need to defend our team’s decision.” – NASA Astronaut David Chamber

“I know there are so many of them out there, but it I can look back over my life, and say I sent one flat-earther into Earth’s orbit forever, I’ll feel like I made a real difference.” NASA Astronaut Kathryn Connolly.

 

New Study Reveals that Coffee Prevents Cancer [or Not]

A recent study conducted by the American Institute of Health and Wellness concluded that people who drink coffee have a reduced likelihood of developing cancer. This is great news to coffee drinkers who experienced a scare last week from a study concluding that drinking coffee increases your risk of developing cancer. And let’s not forget about the study published last month which said that more coffee can help prevent coffee from giving you cancer.

“Our results might be conclusive,” announced lead researcher, David Walsh, during a press conference Wednesday. “Are we real, or is the world all just simulation? Maybe I’m real, but none of you are, yeah, get the hell away from me you stimulant scum!” Walsh continued, at which point the Harvard-educated researcher brandished a butter knife at several correspondents.

One thing is clear—coffee is coffee and cancer is cancer. When coffee causes cancer it is bad and when coffee prevents cancer it is good. Unless the person getting the cancer is also a serial murderer? Then maybe it’s good?