Poll: 93% of U.S. Representatives Unsure if Women can be Considered “People”

Washington D.C.

In an anonymous survey conducted by the PEW Research Center, 435 members of the United States House of Representatives were asked if women can be considered people.

52% of representatives cited the following Merriam-Webster Definition of “people.”

 “pluralhuman beings making up a group or assembly or linked by a common interest”

This 52% determined that since women are interested in things like makeup and autonomy over their own bodies, and men are interested in sports and objectifying women, that men and women don’t actually have common interests. Therefore, they couldn’t be sure if women can really be considered people.

28% offered that they knew a rapist who was close to them, and that they sympathized with the trauma that this rapist must feel at coming to the terms with the idea that women could be considered people. Citing this as their reason, they chose to remain on the fence.

13% of representatives surveyed reported that they couldn’t be sure that women were not incredibly sophisticated life-like robots like the ones featured in the Michael Crichton novel and popular HBO television series “Westworld.”

In the comments section, one representative elaborated:

“In Westworld, park guests are transported to a fantasy land where the guests in the park can do absolutely anything they want to women with entirely no repercussions or accountability. If  women in the real world weren’t robots, how do you explain the Brock Turner case, the election of Donald Trump, the attempt to confirm Brett Kavanaugh? Not to mention the absolute hell our society puts female sexual assault victims through when they work up the courage to come forward. This is the only thing that makes sense to me. Maybe we should have the FBI investigate.”

The 7% that voted yes, were all women. Yeah, okay. Sounds like the answer a highly sophisticated robot would give if you ask me.

 

 

 

 

Woman with “420PartyGurl69@gmail.com” Email Address Feeling Confident About Employment Application

Unemployed 32-year-old, Jennifer Reynolds, announced to her friends this Sunday over bottomless mimosas that she was feeling “pretty confident” about the resume she just submitted to a local software development company.

Reynolds’ has seen no reason to get a new gmail email address since creating “420PartyGurl69@gmail.com” in 2007. This is suprising, considering the fact that new email addresses are completely free, they take less than 30 seconds to create, and there is literally no limit to the amount of email addresses a person can simultaneously posses.

“I know it’s a bit early to be celebrating, considering that they haven’t called me for a phone interview yet, but I just felt really good about clicking the submit button on this one, cheers guys!” exclaimed Reynolds’ to her brunch companions.

Amongst Reynolds’ spotty academic and career accomplishments, she lists “good listener,” “competent at microsoft powerpoint,” and “Reiki healing” in her special skills section.

“So I don’t exactly have 3-5 years experience in computer programing, or know Java, or C ++, but I did drink a lot of “Java” in college and got almost all C pluses in school, am I right?” Reynolds joked, the light in her friends’ eyes dying just a little bit more.

Reynolds’ friends, who’s email addresses were a simple combination of their first and last names with underscores or periods, and containing numbers not associated with illegal substances or sexual acts, seemed hopeful for McAdams.

“She’s going to be fine,” McAdams’ friend Amanda (Amanda.Randolph86@gmail.com) remarked while avoiding all eye contact, “just fine.”

 

 

 

 

 

I Lived It: Playing Mario Kart as a Child Prepared Me For the Hells of Driving In the City of Chicago

If you’re anything like me, you spent countless hours of your youth sitting in front of a 24 inch TV, playing Nintendo 64’s Mario Kart. Your mom told you that you should go play kickball with your weird neighbors and your dad told you that video games would rot your brain. Guess what? Your parents were liars. Every second that you spent playing Mario Kart, you were learning fundamental driving lessons that would one day become desperately relevant.

Avoid Those Bananas

Ah, the dreaded banana. Those slippery, yellow nuisances littered the road, sending drivers into a tailspin. They could ruin your lead.

Now they are called potholes and they are fucking everywhere. Avoid them at all costs. Swerve, baby, swerve.

Everyone Else is Donkey Kong

Everyone knows that Donkey Kong is the biggest asshole in all of Mario Kart. He is big and heavy and aggressive and he will wreck you.

Now you have CTA and Pace buses, who give absolutely zero fucks and will merge into your car. They are bigger than you and they know it. Also, SUV’s and Minivans are like Donkey Kong too. And lots of other cars. Basically, everyone but you is asshole Donkey Kong and you are sweet, sweet, cheerful, beautiful, innocent, virginal, toad. Side note: sometimes you are also Donkey Kong and on those days, people should not fuck with you.

Boo Will Steal Your Shit

Remember when you finally got your hands on a really cool item, only to have another player use Boo to steal it from you? Sucks.

Now that you’re an adult living in Chicago, that stolen item will be your car battery. Looks like you’re taking a Lyft to the auto parts store. Good thing Mario Kart prepared you for the pang of disappointment and anger you’ll feel about being victimized.

Squid Ink on Your Windshield is NBD

If you played the later versions of Mario Kart, you know that other players can “squid ink” you, creating blind spots on your windshield.

Sure it was annoying, but it was great practice for the next time you do a real half-ass job cleaning the snow and ice off your windshield before driving your hour-long morning commute to work. Hopefully that vision-obscuring ice melts before you get on 55, but if not, you got this!

Lightning Makes Everyone Miserable

Excluding the lucky person who received it, lightning screwed everyone. First place or last place, everyone else in the race suffered equally. Players shrank and slowed to a crawl.

Welcome to Lake Shore Drive rush hour traffic, where it doesn’t matter how much that guy paid for his Tesla, he’s stuck in bumper to bumper traffic just like everyone else! Better hope the Cubs aren’t playing today. Important note: the only people not affected by traffic are weaving motorcyclists. And just like lightning-strikers, all the other drivers hate them.

Six Gym Exercises that’ll Have Men Asking “Is She Hitting on Me?”

1. Barbell Glute Bridge

Young attractive brunette women doing exercise for buttocks - the rise of a body lying over the bar

Everyone knows that the two sexiest words known to men in the English language are ‘Glute’ and ‘Bridge.’ And this exercise combines them. This brave woman has added a barbell on her crotch to really up the ante and put herself out there. Thrusty.

2. Quadruped Hip Extension

Girl doing exercises on rug

This hip extension glute exercise will be sure to indicate to any man, woman, or child within a 50 yard radius that you are D.T.F. Rowr! Cool it down tiger, we get it! You’re trying to “improve your cardiovascular strength” or something.

3. Kneeling Cable Crunch 

This one is so sexy I honestly don’t even think it would be appropriate to post a picture. Draw the blinds, go incognito mode, look it up.

4. Squats

active-adult-athlete-348487

This classic move won’t just work your quads, glutes, and hamstrings, it’ll also work the necks of all your male admirers at the gym. We get it, you’re “trying to promote bone density retention” and “decrease your LDL Cholesterol levels.” But also you are sticking your butt out and men are automatically going to assume that means you want to enter into a 6-month-long relationship with them. Minimum.

5. Literally Any Yoga Pose

acro-yoga-active-balance-1139481 (1)

They won’t know what this pose is called, but they are going to be 30% impressed and 100% turned on by it.

6.  Whatever this Pregnant Woman is Doing

active-adult-aerobics-1103254

Ok, pregnant women are just beautiful, glowing creatures by default and if you combine that with an exercise ball, men are going to take notice. They are going to be saying things like “when is that baby due?” and “have you ever considered having an open marriage?”  Can you blame them?!

Family Too Ashamed of America this Year to Justify Spending $800 on Illegal Fireworks

The Fourth of July, a holiday to get together with family, grill burgers and hotdogs, celebrate independence, and shoot beautiful, illegal, awe-inspiring explosives into the sky.

But this year is different.

The Watersson family tells us that they will not be purchasing any fireworks of any kind this year. Not even sparklers.

“We love the Fourth of July, and we love fireworks, but Kathy and I agreed that our hearts just weren’t in it this year,” revealed Tim Watersson.

Tim cites the “utter mockery of democracy happening in Washington” and the still unresolved border crisis as main reasons for losing his ‘America Mojo’ this year. “I mean Donald Trump is still our President, how insane is that?!” Tim added.

This years’ lack of American pride is getting mixed reviews. We talked to groups who were most affected by America’s general apathy regarding this year’s July 4th.

Local fire departments and dog owners everywhere appear to be relieved that downtrodden Americans will be refraining from shooting loud and combustible objects into the sky this year. “We are expecting to have a quiet night here at the station,” reports fire Chief Daniel Hayes. “Usually we get 2-3 calls every year from homeowners whose roofs are smoldering or have caught fire. The EMT’s are thrilled that they won’t have to attend to nearly as many burned or mangled hands this year.

However, Debra Walsh, Marketing Manager at Old Navy corperate has been having a troubling couple of weeks. “Low patriotic morale has plummeted sales of our classic American Flag Old Navy shirts lower than ever. This is really going to hurt us. We have got to change our broken political system if we want companies like Old Navy to survive.”

It doesn’t stop at American flag t-shirts, either.

Discount mattress warehouses and car dealerships have been noticing a slump in sales too, despite doorbuster deals and 4th of July promotions.

“I want so badly to be a proud American. It’s just that instead of buying a new car I don’t need or spending $800 on M-80’s, I’m wondering if I should be using that money to help unite an immigrant mother and son that have been torn apart at the hands of our very own government,” states Kathy Watersson.

Tim Watersson left us with this final metaphor.

“America is like my daughter okay? I am always going to love her, no matter what, but I really wish she wasn’t with that guy that 22 different women have personally accused of rape or other sexual misconduct, you know?”

Inspiring! This Woman Overcame Gender Inequality in Her Marriage by Naming Roomba “My Husband”

CHICAGO, IL – Lakeview woman Katrina Greenham, 41 had long resented her husband of 13 years Mark Greenham, 43 for his habit of leaving far more than 50% of the household chores to his wife. “Sure, he was in charge of putting all the bills on Auto-Pay, but I was handling everything else. Dishes, laundry, childcare, you name it,” said Katrina of her and her husband’s division of labor.

After months of contemplating divorce or couple’s counseling and a late night of wine-drunk Amazon shopping, Katrina finally found the answer. “I always wanted a Roomba ever since I first saw the infomercials,” she said of the robot vacuum cleaner that boasts the high-tech features of self-charging, digitally mapping a home to identify high-use areas, and smartphone app integration.

“When the package finally came, I was so excited. It instantly felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders,” Katrina said, as she described her impression of her new $650 gadget. “Then my mom called, and she could hear the Roomba in the background, and she asked, ‘who’s vacumming?’ I jokingly said, ‘oh, it’s just my husband!’ and the nickname really stuck.”

Ever since naming the machine “my husband,” Katrina has been able to brag to her friends about “how much cleaning my husband gets done while I’m out” and “how nice it is for my husband to do such a thorough job without my asking.” Katrina reports that bliss has finally returned to her marriage.

“Everybody loves my husband! The kids adore having my husband in the house when they get home from school, and my husband keeps the dog entertained with his natural playful energy,” Katrina told The Blend. “I think the neighbors get a little uncomfortable when my husband gets turned on, though” she laughed, “it can get kind of noisy!” With 80% of women still reporting a perception of an unbalanced division of household labor in their marriages, this is certainly a win for the Greenham family.

Mark Greenham could not be reached for comment for this story.

Homewreckers Relieved to Be Replaced by U.S. Border Patrol as Number One Cause of Destroyed Families

Outrage has been building in the United States and around the world regarding a new policy change which has been stripping children away from their parents at the southern border of the United States.

Since the enforcement of a new policy meant to punish illegally immigrating families and families seeking asylum, outraged Americans have been protesting, donating to the ACLU and Raices, and calling their local representatives.

Many people have compared what is happening at the U.S. border to Nazi Germany Concentration Camps or Japanese Internment Camps. Democrats are rushing legislation to prevent the separation of families, entire communities are in uproar, but there is one group of people who aren’t as disturbed by what’s happening as you might think.

Homewreckers.

Yes, homewreckers. The men and women who’ve participated in an illicit affair with a married person with children, leading to divorce and the subsequent separation of their family.

We talked to a few homewreckers for more information.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong,” says Nicole Jensen, 31, “it is horrible what is happening at the border, it’s an atrocity. And I know it’s selfish, but the thing is, I used to feel so guilty for splitting up Mark and Jennifer’s marriage. Mark only got to see the kids every other weekend, Jennifer spray painted F*&%ing C*&# across my Honda Accord. I mean I felt horrible. But what the U.S. Border Patrol is doing now? This is like so much worse than what I did.”

Todd Mullins had similar sentiments. “I mean I never put any kids in cages, sure Maria had to sell the house and move into a two-bedroom apartment with two teenagers to afford the divorce, but those kids were free to roam about that 815 square foot apartment as they pleased. I am basically Gandhi compared to the U.S. border patrol.”

Todd and Nicole, though glad to have the heat off of them for once, did donate to the following organizations and requested that we share that information here.

https://www.facebook.com/donate/490507544717085/

https://www.aclu.org/donate-aclu?ms=web_horiz_nav_hp

35-Year-Old Woman Reported Missing on Her Birthday, The Reason Why Will Horrify You

Deborah Sussman, age 35, was reported missing two weeks ago. Her husband, Tom Sussman told us that after Deborah celebrated her 35th Birthday at a bar with her friends two Fridays ago, she never returned home.

“We just don’t understand what could have happened to her,” said Tom Sussman. “The weirdest part is that the kids and I, we come home to the same dinners she used to make, and the bills are still getting paid, which is what Deb used to do.”

Odder still, more and more of these cases are popping up all over the country.

“You just hate seeing cases like these, women, specifically mothers in their mid-to-late thirties just disappearing,” remarked Senior Investigator Dale Marlowe. “We can’t figure out why this keeps happening, we never find the bodies in this cases either. And it’s not just normal women disappearing, it’s actresses, professional female athletes, my favorite stripper at Pole Cats. It’s like these are all pieces of a large mysterious puzzle.”

The family has had an unusually hard time coping with the disappearance of it’s matriarch, especially Deborah’s daughter, Ashley. “I’m not imagining anything!” exclaimed the clearly hysterical 12-year-old girl. “She’s not missing! She picks me up from school every day at 2:45, she drives me to soccer practice on Wednesday nights! Last week she helped me paint a model of the solar system!” the disillusioned child insisted.

Deborah’s husband has taken her disappearance quite hard, regularly suffering bouts of paranoia. “Someone is making me sandwiches, I just don’t know who,” Tom remarked. “Maybe it’s time for me to start dating again,” he added.

Deborah’s coworkers are reacting similarly. “It is weird that all of her work is still getting done,” said coworker David Schall. “Plus, now I’m hearing voices during meetings saying things like ‘It would be a good idea to push the launch up to quarter one’ and then I repeat that same phase a little bit louder and everyone tells me what a good idea I just had.”

We talked to a group of college students who were at the bar the night Deborah went missing. Steven Weiss said “Yeah, I saw some ladies at the bar that night, there was this one girl, named Monika, with a k, she had a full tattoo sleeve and was wearing this sexy little blue crop top. Her friends were pretty hot too.” When asked about Deborah and her friends, Steve mentioned that he definitely didn’t notice any other hot women in that bar, but that he did see a birthday cake sitting near some half-empty glasses of Sauvignon Blanc. He noted that he kept hearing the occasional chorus of enthusiastic “woooo’s” but that he never did figure out where it was coming from.

We talked to a woman at Deborah’s gym who said she is still haunted by this tragic story. She reported that a few times a week she sees a ghost-like pale figure running on what used to be Deborah’s favorite elliptical machine. The pale, disheveled figure always wearing a pair of loose fitting sweatpants and a worn, baggy Foo Fighters T-shirt.

“On occasion these women do turn up again,” said investigator Marlowe. “A 35-year old woman went missing two streets over from my house and showed up a year later with a pair of leather pants and double D breast implants.”

Since first publication, a woman claiming to be Deborah called into The Blend Weekly from Deborah’s personal cell phone number and provided the following statement, “I am Deborah. I am not missing. I just turned 35. I don’t understand what the big deal is. Why is no one paying attention to me anymore?” Creepy.

If you have any information regarding Deborah’s whereabouts, please contact us at investigation@theblendweekly.com

 

NASA Sends Flat-Earther into Space to Prove Point, Leaves Him there

Local Louisiana man and fervent Flat Earth supporter, Jim Blake, got the surprise of lifetime last month when he was contacted directly by NASA. NASA reports that Jim had had sent over 230 letters and made numerous phone calls to their headquarters. In his communication, Jim declared that the earth was actually flat and that NASA was complicit in a centuries-old global conspiracy to inform the public otherwise.

Jim was given the incredible once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to travel into orbit to observe the spherical earth for himself. We are told that Jim jumped at the chance. This past Monday, at 8:05 am EST Jim’s was launched into space in NASA’s SS KV 786 Rocket.

“No, we never said anything about a return trip. Jim made that inference completely on his own.” NASA Astronaut Team Lead Garrison Avery

“We are just really tired of arguing with these guys.” – NASA Astronaut Mark Denton

“Honestly, I don’t even feel the need to defend our team’s decision.” – NASA Astronaut David Chamber

“I know there are so many of them out there, but it I can look back over my life, and say I sent one flat-earther into Earth’s orbit forever, I’ll feel like I made a real difference.” NASA Astronaut Kathryn Connolly.